Divorce and children

Topic: Divorce and children

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Divorce and children

Abstract

Divorce is the parting of a married couple. It is accepted by law to terminate the marriage. Divorce in itself is detrimental to the family and has a great impact on the children. It affects the family in many ways. The causes of the divorce are always painful memories and cause chaos in the family. A couple may agree or disagree to file for divorce where the court decides on the terms and conditions of their separation such as sharing property. Research shows that most cases of divorce are common to many divorcing couples. However, they are not associated with the financial status, race, lifestyle, religion, education background or careers. In all cases, divorce has mental and psychological effect to the children and affects their future life.

Introduction

Effects of divorce on children

Divorce affects both small kids and those in their adolescent stage. The effects range from academic work, dependency, their behavior and can be long term or short term. Divorce, move in to new households with therefore has a high negative effect in the life of a child and will greatly affect their normal way of doing things. The memory of seeing their parents fight and their love drain away is so tormenting and tears down their hope of a good family. Children of any age lose the happiness of life due to lack of either the father or mother care (Pickhardt, 2011).

School going children will have a hard time responding to their class work as they will be mentally disturbed. They begin to fail in exams and life in school becomes difficult for them. Education is of essence to any child and lack of it makes him have a poor understanding of life and unable even to associate with people. Poor upbringing of any child due to divorced parents will make school life hell for the child as he or she will have mental problems. The child will be stressed up and may even face stigma as a result of this problem. (Weiner & Craighead, 2010)

Divorce increases the dependency rate of children on one hand and for the adolescent it challenges them to begin being independent. The children may depend much on one parent and leave the other as they will be living in different households. The small children will not have full parental care from both parents and their social life with them will be low. Some parents who after divorce leave their children on their own will prompt the children to seek primary needs and care from their relatives. Divorce burdens the parents and relatives of the children. It also breaks the trust and hope of children depending any more on their parents if that parent is not financially stable (Pickhardt, 2011)

A child’s performance will greatly be affected and change adversely with time as a result of divorce. The child feels neglected and become stressed up. He or she develops mental problems that will be solved by good parental guidance, though impartially because of lack of the other parent. It is hard to persuade the child that the problem will end soon and for that matter, he or she goes on to live a stressed life. Lack of this enough parental care and guidance will result to the child being a bother to the one parent; he or she may start to disrespect the parent. The child changes character and becomes uncontrollable. He or she develops poor values such as dishonesty, lack of love and immortality and become aggressive and anxious about things. They face problems such as loss of appetite, anger, sadness, indulge in alcohol and drug abuse, sleep a lot and have an oppositional behavior (Pickhardt, 2011)

Children encounter problems that can affect them in the short run or for a longer period, depending on their understanding of the divorce. If the parents, teachers, relatives or close friends are unable to change their understanding and help them transit from that problem their effect will be mild. Some children live with anger and wrath towards their parents and still find it difficult to let go that memory. Others develop psychological effects due to lack of good counseling and others who ignore the psychological therapy given by the parent, teacher or relatives. The meeting also makes the young ones feel depressed for so long, live with their childhood sorrow and loss self esteem. Boys find it hard to have good interactions with their male friends due to lack of the fatherly care and love. Girls develop an urge of being loved by a man due to lack of the father relationship in their childhood. Vulnerability, neediness, alcohol and drug abuse are common to the kids due to lack of good parenting. (Schroeder & Gordon, 2002)

The short term effects of the children affected by divorce are always traumatizing. It is at this period that the child is healing from loss of one parent being close to him or her as it was before the divorce. The dependency rate of the child is on the rise and greatly relies on a single parent whom they live with. The child is always depressed, others are always sleeping, bed wetting, sad, angry, loose self esteem and mental illness. School children start to fail in school work and find it hard to adapt. They always lose hope for the future and think that if they enter into love relationships their case will be similar. (Pickhardt, 2011)

Parents after divorce will always want to get back together and will always have a push pull game between them. Parents will want each partner to assist in raising a child and in most cases this does not happen. The parents will involve their children in their marriage conflict where they send a child for support from the other parent. The child begins to be in a dilemma of who should provide the help when the other is not in a position to. The mother and father of these young ones also begin to have conflict with the child due to high dependency (Buck, 2011)

Effects of divorce to parents

Mothers are the most affected of all marriage conflicts. They have to be there at all times for the kid and give him or her necessary care. She faces a new way of life as she has separated ways with her husband. She has to find a new household and live separately with the person she loved. Mothers’ economic positions are always not at their best and sustaining children alone after divorce becomes a problem. The mother faces a lot of demands from her children and the best way she copes with them by maintaining a good relationship with them dictates their future. She is also tasked with having a close connection with the father, though not as was earlier, but for the sole reason of raising the children. She at times has to seek the services of a step mother to take care of her children and other children the man may have left her with. Research shows that mothers in married families show great love and care than those who have separated and divorced. Mothers have to deal will the anger, hatred, depression and disappoint that they have faced as a result of marriage breakup. They have low esteem due to loss of love, care and sexual satisfactions from their ex husbands (Wallerstein et al, 2014)

Father as the head of the families also face .problems as a result of the marriage break up. They lack the wife love and care and at times go out to search for a new catch to suit their sexual urges. Some fathers are left to take care of the children and have to live with them and provide for all their needs. They move into new households with them where children are anxious and aggressive to receive care and enjoy life. During the time of divorce, he has to give part of the property to wife to cater for her needs and that of children in case they are left under her custody.

Research for mediation

In the mediation talks, many conflicting families have an intermediary who will be sent to deliver information to the parents. Unbiased intermediary will always be there to help the parents either get back together or be there to assist in raising the children. Mediation improves the state of crisis as the children will be well raised and taken care of. It is a good alternative to always be attending court hearings for the divorce and prevent parents from competing. In some countries mediation is a must and others, it’s on a voluntary basis. Voluntary action by parents to take care of the children is in most cases not common. Parents find it hard to have any more close contact and the love and warmth for their children ends. The presence of an intermediary will be felt if he or she is strict enough to ensure that the parents obligate their duties in caring for their children.

Parents who have volunteered to take care of the children will always find their children happy. If the parents do not argue they will even be happier. It is easy for the parents to take care of their children out of their own will after divorce than when it is mandatory. The probability of parents returning to court as a result of arguing is minimal. Parents will have had new ways of solving conflicts and may easily get back together. They will always visit their children and give tender care and support even though divorced. However, the pains and emotional effects of the divorce are not easily deleted from the parent’s minds. (Dillon & Emery, 1994)

Involuntary court ordered mediation is evident in some countries in the event couple divorces. The parents have to enter into a contract and agree on how to take care of the children. The court will make a rule on property sharing and visiting and providing complete feel it is necessary so support for the children. A third party involved will ensure that the parents deliver the agreed terms and promises. The parent’s ability to reach an agreement even in the presence of an fair third person is futile and not always fruitful. The parents still feel disappointed, depressed and stressed up thus find it difficult to come in terms even with legal matters. Children will always feel not at ease and not well cared for since parents must be pushed to the wall to realize their obligations. On one hand others think it is needed so that they can be questioned in case they do not provide the support and care required from them. The probability of returning to court due to the ordered medication is high. The parents will have the emotional problems and neglect their duties of caring for their siblings. (Dillon & Emery, 1994)

Research for divorce settled in court

The couples always have a negative and repulsive feel towards one another. The love dies away and feels detached to the other partner. The strains between the two partners affect the children adversely and they begin to lose hope even for their future love relationships. The pulling between these two parents cause the children to be in a dilemma as they don’t know who among the two should they love more or depend on more. The children lacking support from any of their parents makes them want to choose one whom they will depend on the rest of their life. Court orders are to be followed maximally and failure means imprisonment or fines to the noncompliant person. Young ones will always be victims of divorce and have mental problems as a result. Court orders make children despise the action of their parents as they face an ugly court battle when the parents argue and end the love they already had instilled. Bad action of the parents such as not fully supporting the child makes him or her stressed up and the child may abandon the parent for good (Buck, 2011)

Research validity

Research findings show that when parents get divorced, there is inconsistency in the love and care provided for their children. Research also shows that parents who do not live with their children make arrangements to often visit them and this has a psychological benefit to them. However, parents after divorce and experience with the children show little care and love. There are two groups involved in mediation talks, the between –group and the mediation-group parents. In the between-group, this involved the third person shows that divorced parents using mediation bring good results and benefits to their children that using the court to settle the case. On the other hand, the mediation-group of parents shows that the two parents want the best for their children. They often visit them and talk about the children issue. Using the litigation way to solve the dispute shows that parents were not concerned with the future of their children and could provide little support. (Dillon & Emery, 1994)

Conclusion

The children will have a change in behavior brought about by their divorced parents. Living with this memory cause mental disorder and the children even drops in academic performance. He or she begins to have trauma, depression and stress, sleeping a lot, bed wetting and anxiety. Parents will seek to have new marriage partners which will greatly affect the life of the children they will now have step parents who in most cases treat them badly. In the long run children may indulge in drugs, never get married due to disappointment caused by their parent’s marriage. The girls, for example, may seek to get married earlier to receive love and care from men, which they didn’t receive from their father. Boys lose the interpersonal relationship with male age mates. Parents act badly in front of their children who make them despise and abandon them. Divorce generally put children at risk of depression and mental disorder as they are unable to cope with the situation without both parents being there for them. Parents will face financial problems when caring for the kids as compared to when they were legally married. They take long to accept the situation and live with mental crisis and guilt for filing a divorce and leaving the children to suffer. Divorce also creates resentment and bitterness to the parents. (Dillon & Emery, 1994)

References

Dillon, P. A., & Emery, R. E. (1994) Divorce mediation and resolution of child custody disputes: Long-term effects. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 66, 131-140.

BUCK, N. (2011). Peaceful parenting Psychology Today, 1, 100

Schroeder C. & Gordon, B. (2002) Assessment and treatment of childhood problems: a clinician’s guide. New York: Guilford Press.

Pickhardt, c. (2011) surviving (your child’s) Adolescence Psychology Today, 1, 16

Wallerstein, Judith; Lewis, Julia; Packer Rosenthal, Sherrin, (1994) Mothers and their children after divorce: Report from a 25-year longitudinal study.

Psychoanalytic Psychology, Vol 30(2), Apr 2013, 167-184.

Weiner, I. & Craighead, W. (2010) The Corsini encyclopedia of psychology Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.